i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
