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you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He felt like a one man threesome
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
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