We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
is this the sara with the beer cane?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
My brain says no but my pants say off.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.