If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
My cat gives me a boner
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?