My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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