If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
25 Medical Facts That Need To Be Common Knowledge
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I need to stop coming to work sober
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.