forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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