He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
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I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
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that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
i don't wanna talk about it
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i want to fuck
it's pretty self explanatory
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.