She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee