i need an iv and a liver transplant
barbara walters just said penis...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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