I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?