Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
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FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
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You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.