every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
