You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.