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At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
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