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I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
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