Texts From Last Night

pothead1's Favorites Texts:

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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I hate the hobo that sits outside our building

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  Joe or Chris?

  (314): View more from Missouri

  do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.

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  (314): I hate the hobo that sits outside our building (1-314): Joe or Chris? (314): do i even wanna kno y u kno their names? (1-314): well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye. http://tfl.nu/9vla
  Replies (17) Good night (8028) Bad night (975)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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  (412): I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on. http://tfl.nu/5fm3
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  (858): View more from California

  Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

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  (858): Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch http://tfl.nu/zban
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall

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  (703): Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall http://tfl.nu/bqaz
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  I accept this challenge.

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  (410): Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you. (301): I accept this challenge. http://tfl.nu/mbqm
  Replies (60) Good night (18545) Bad night (1691)
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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  (316): when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre http://tfl.nu/3hgx
  Replies (20) Good night (6879) Bad night (1367)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out

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  (732): Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out http://tfl.nu/au0t
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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  (662): I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits" http://tfl.nu/79pd
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I just want to hang out with her.

  (916): View more from California

  You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.

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  (210): I just want to hang out with her. (916): You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you. http://tfl.nu/9qvp
  Replies (24) Good night (1694) Bad night (3634)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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  (248): You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened... http://tfl.nu/unry
  Replies (66) Good night (25126) Bad night (2649) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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  (770): just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes. http://tfl.nu/9iko
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it

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  (732): yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it http://tfl.nu/reim
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together

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  (570): you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together http://tfl.nu/6q67
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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  (720): I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was http://tfl.nu/iq7q
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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  (401): he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick http://tfl.nu/778x
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.

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  (403): you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off. http://tfl.nu/h9sg
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  (917): View more from New York City

  you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

  (917): View more from New York City

  no it doesn't.

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  (917): you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere. (720): ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning... (917): no it doesn't. http://tfl.nu/6x89
  Replies (34) Good night (18194) Bad night (1177)
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  (858): View more from California

  sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?

  (818): View more from California

  No. He thinks you're slutty.

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  (858): sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat? (818): No. He thinks you're slutty. http://tfl.nu/f63c
  Replies (37) Good night (1279) Bad night (4088)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning

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  (202): the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning http://tfl.nu/vrio
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.

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  (630): last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone. http://tfl.nu/hjip
  Replies (21) Good night (8255) Bad night (786)
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  (407): View more from Florida

  at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions

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  (407): at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions http://tfl.nu/ea5m
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more

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  (205): I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more http://tfl.nu/noxu
  Replies (39) Good night (1019) Bad night (5259) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..

  (1-540): View more from Virginia

  What did u do?

  (540): View more from Virginia

  turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..

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  (540): so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn.. (1-540): What did u do? (540): turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him.. http://tfl.nu/pi8a
  Replies (50) Good night (11034) Bad night (859)
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.

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  (253): Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away. http://tfl.nu/2pvy
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me

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  (515): They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me http://tfl.nu/jqeo
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
  Replies (175) Good night (51698) Bad night (5692)
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.

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  (571): non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do. http://tfl.nu/8y8e
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.

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  (864): Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie. http://tfl.nu/k7pt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents

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  (843): I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents http://tfl.nu/wxlb
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  New charity walk idea!

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  (703): Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished. (202): New charity walk idea! http://tfl.nu/skxt
  Replies (31) Good night (12993) Bad night (762)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose

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  (717): she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose http://tfl.nu/p9h0
  Replies (32) Good night (13067) Bad night (736) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...

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  (443): dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this... http://tfl.nu/lbrb
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home

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  (262): I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home http://tfl.nu/gzni
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  (760): View more from California

  Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...

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  (760): Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some... http://tfl.nu/wqbb
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  (718): View more from New York

  I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.

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  (718): I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed. http://tfl.nu/ihm6
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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  (970): Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker" http://tfl.nu/30jj
  Replies (44) Good night (17880) Bad night (923)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.

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  (713): yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn. http://tfl.nu/bp9j
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five

  (1-262): View more from Wisconsin

  bitch

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  (262): dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five (1-262): bitch http://tfl.nu/m1tn
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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  (630): You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell.. http://tfl.nu/hsjq
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.

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  (312): the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building. http://tfl.nu/d9kx
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF

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  (203): THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF http://tfl.nu/hsyz
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  (914): View more from New York

  you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped

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  (914): you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped http://tfl.nu/cz84
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

  (1-907): View more from Alaska

  Sarah Palin

  (907): View more from Alaska

  god, I love you

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  (907): Tell me the dirtiest joke you know (1-907): Sarah Palin (907): god, I love you http://tfl.nu/fmd4
  Replies (101) Good night (10336) Bad night (1123)
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  (415): View more from California

  And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.

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  (415): And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked. http://tfl.nu/8nhm
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  how do flat chested girls get laid?

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  (724): how do flat chested girls get laid? http://tfl.nu/7tbe
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
  Replies (289) Good night (62262) Bad night (4268)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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  (214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. http://tfl.nu/p67s
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  (805): View more from California

  i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.

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  (805): i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog. http://tfl.nu/tph4
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
  Replies (508) Good night (86082) Bad night (8379)
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  (805): View more from California

  she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu

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  (805): she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu http://tfl.nu/ucad
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How was it?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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  (847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me. (1-847): How was it? (847): Fantastic, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/muuk
  Replies (204) Good night (86461) Bad night (7101)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  It smells like weed.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.

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  (303): It smells like weed. (720): We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed. http://tfl.nu/w4bb
  Replies (41) Good night (3792) Bad night (480)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.

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  (248): Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup. http://tfl.nu/xbnm
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs

  (314): View more from Missouri

  you don't even go to loyola anymore

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  (504): loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs (314): you don't even go to loyola anymore http://tfl.nu/fisu
  Replies (45) Good night (7738) Bad night (722)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation

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  (817): Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation http://tfl.nu/c4tn
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