Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i can juggle bunnies