i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
