no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm fucking your sister right now.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.