my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
god, I love you
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.