Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.