Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm fucking your sister right now.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section