at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Operation Purity has been aborted
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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