you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?