I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay