He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
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I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.