we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."