Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
This is evicking siegelnvs
This is fucking ridiculous*
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I wanna passion pit in your ass
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I think my vagina is haunted
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
tell your sister to shave her snatch
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
my sisters under your porch take her home
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway