I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
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it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
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Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She's allergic to latex.