But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I thought spray tan was a myth
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.