She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
yea but for you.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
... don't judge me
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
I'm fucking your sister right now.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone