im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
