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I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
you will always have a special place in my vag
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
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