I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
