Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
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Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high