I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Ketchup is God's man juice
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.