The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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