He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.