Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Yo dont text me then not text me
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate