Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I wanna bring you to show and tell
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.