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yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
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