Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
