my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops