I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
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Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.