Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
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Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
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And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.