I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser