She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
what if I'm pregnant?
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick