We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head