We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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