Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"