I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half