Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Dating After Heartbreak
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"