I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"